I Am No Monk

There are times when I am desperate,
Lonely, and willing to try anything.
Like shaving off all my hair
And sit in the lotus position to gain enlightenment.
Or lie in bed while staring at the ceiling
Waiting, hoping, for the next plan to drop into my head (as the water drips from the faucet into the bucket).
In the desperate times, I am not my true self.
I am the pathetic fly, buzzing around for 24 hours.
I beg to the Lord to just tell me my purpose,
But all I receive is silence, leading to impatience

And so, I tend to perverse and disfigure myself,
Thinking I will gain insight.
But I am no monk.