I don't read anymore, no more inspiration.
I don't write anymore, no more creations.
I don't think anymore, no more independent thoughts.
All I do is sit infront of the idiot box and let both my biological eyes and its electric eyes burn out,
This makes me die a little bit each day.
I begin to fret about my future, anxiety takes control and I pase up and down, inside and outside, north and south,
Nothing here is helping me,
Where is the aid located?
Friday, July 20, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Things I've Learned in Peace Corps Mongolia
- A new language
- Mongolian cultural habits
- How to download movies and TV shows
- Making fire
- Chopping wood
- Cooking- omelets, french toast, pancakes, fried rice, tsuvan, hosher, chili, stew,
- Cooking over a fire
- How to live without running water and/or indoor plumbing
- How to survive without electricity
- How to live without regular internet access
- Project Development: How to move from idea to reality (more development on this skill)
- Writing a project proposal and requesting grant money.
- A higher tolerance for Vodka
- How to eat all parts of an animal (guts, head, etc.)
- What Depression is (or S.A.D.)
- What COLD is (what -40 feels like)
- What Cabin fever is
- How to avoid annoying drunks
- What an annoying drunk really is
- Not having much privacy is normal
- Using an outhouse
- How to cut an animal carcass
- How to slaughter animals
- Beard grooming
- Entertaining myself for long amounts of time
- How to wear 2-3 pairs of pants at once
- Washing my clothes by hand
- Bathing without running water
- Mending clothes (stitching up holes)
- How to haggle
- Patience
- What Ambiguity is
- Teaching methods for TEFL
- Classroom management
- Basketball
- Volleyball
- Mongolians’ views on the Chinese and the Russians
- How to say family members in Russian
- Many words in Russian are the same in English (some examples: telephone, calculator, ).
- How to walk in snow & ice while keeping eggs from breaking
- How to cross a busy street in the city
- Mongolian women are gorgeous
- Famous countries for study abroad (Great Britain, Germany, Korea, Czech Republic, America,)
- Able to name the 21 aimags of Mongolia from memory
- Mongolian time is different than regular time
- How to swim in a river with a strong current
- How to fight angry territorial birds
- How to get high scores (95-100) on Karaoke machines
- Drinking at school or work is completely normal
- Planning parties and celebrations last minute
- Spending too much time on preparation for parties and celebrations
- How to co-lead a seminar
- How to make salt and pepper shakers out of hot sauce bottles (reusing/recycling)
- How to preform improv
- Pico’s cigarette strategy (for picking up women)
- How to live without proper working electronics or appliances
- How to survive a flood in a ger
- How to steal your friend’s blind date
- How to cool off during the summer (watch Community in your underwear)
- Blues music on harmonica
- How to (unintentionally) sexually harass a Mongolian co-worker
- What Inner Mongolia is
- How to unfreeze a water pump
- How to burn coal
- -40C = -40F
- Able to sing most parts of a few Mongolian songs
- formatting a flash drive doesn’t kill the virus that’s on it.
- how to inspect coal for burning
- How to use a french press
- How to use a swiss army knife's can opener properly
- How to break someone's heart.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Where Has My Wit Gone?
Where has my wit gone to?
Lost in the digital world.
Too much searching for 10 minute love causes my mind to melt.
Digital desire is not true desire, I know and recognize that, but I still log on every nite!
Maybe it has affected you too. (I only say that in hopes I don’t sink on the ship alone).
electronic stalking is all I need to satisfy the beast within. But when will it end? only with growth can I see a conclusion, followed by a prison cell or restraining order.
Where has my wit gone to?
Did I drop it in lake after an awkward conversation with a woman thinking my cuteness and shyness would be sufficient?
Perverts, voyers, and grimy pornography-
This is what you get when my mind is examined by professionals.
I feel frisky and desire to touch another person,
Physical contact is the thing I love the most.
But usually I just search for the five minute slut,
One who can stand my perverted desires and virginal sex talk:
Let's get naked, play with each other, make me feel good.
There is a tail side to this coin:
The closer I get physically, the more frightened I become.
This is what you get when my mind is examined by professionals.
I feel frisky and desire to touch another person,
Physical contact is the thing I love the most.
But usually I just search for the five minute slut,
One who can stand my perverted desires and virginal sex talk:
Let's get naked, play with each other, make me feel good.
There is a tail side to this coin:
The closer I get physically, the more frightened I become.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Journal Entry #357
I've learnt that I'm broken.
I've been pushed too far to the end, and I've fallen hard.
My mentality is warped, my souls feels like a rape victim,
My body is broken and weary.
I want out.
I want to go home.
I've forgotten what I came here to run away from.
Just as it always does, apathy interrupted my normality (I've actually forgotten what normalcy is).
I don't have proper conversations, I just want to be around someone who makes me laugh.
I'm usually not the talker, or the inventer.
I'm the follower, the listener.
Blinded by apathy, all I want is ignorant contempt.
But there are times I yearn for intelligence;
In me, a reader and researcher is buried deep down.
Now, where are the instructions for excavation?
I have not been faithful to the God I grew up with (the God who was with us in childhood).
I did seem a bit happier when I talked with him.
Where have I cast the shepherd of my soul?
Winter is depression,
Spring is bi-polar,
Summer is manic, anger or rage,
but Fall,
Well, Fall is happiness and contentment.
I've been pushed too far to the end, and I've fallen hard.
My mentality is warped, my souls feels like a rape victim,
My body is broken and weary.
I want out.
I want to go home.
I've forgotten what I came here to run away from.
Just as it always does, apathy interrupted my normality (I've actually forgotten what normalcy is).
I don't have proper conversations, I just want to be around someone who makes me laugh.
I'm usually not the talker, or the inventer.
I'm the follower, the listener.
Blinded by apathy, all I want is ignorant contempt.
But there are times I yearn for intelligence;
In me, a reader and researcher is buried deep down.
Now, where are the instructions for excavation?
I have not been faithful to the God I grew up with (the God who was with us in childhood).
I did seem a bit happier when I talked with him.
Where have I cast the shepherd of my soul?
Winter is depression,
Spring is bi-polar,
Summer is manic, anger or rage,
but Fall,
Well, Fall is happiness and contentment.
Current Status
I've traveled to dark places in recent times.
No, I haven't just scraped the tip of the ice burg,
But collided with the 90% underwater.
The Mongol winter has raped my spirits and emotions hard.
Most days I am an empty vessel made of meat-
A drone possibly-moving with no heart.
I passively request aid since I'm too shy to blurt out my feelings.
I was not trained for this, coping with a depressed doppelganger.
I know this is not my true twin. Where is he?
And where does this road end?
It's as ambiguous as the unpaved roads in
Chinggis's hometown.
Be I mad or scared?
I have intervals of both, a swinging pendulum.
Crossing over is as diving into the deep end of a pool.
But what happens to the individual when it stays on the bottom side too long?
No, I haven't just scraped the tip of the ice burg,
But collided with the 90% underwater.
The Mongol winter has raped my spirits and emotions hard.
Most days I am an empty vessel made of meat-
A drone possibly-moving with no heart.
I passively request aid since I'm too shy to blurt out my feelings.
I was not trained for this, coping with a depressed doppelganger.
I know this is not my true twin. Where is he?
And where does this road end?
It's as ambiguous as the unpaved roads in
Chinggis's hometown.
Be I mad or scared?
I have intervals of both, a swinging pendulum.
Crossing over is as diving into the deep end of a pool.
But what happens to the individual when it stays on the bottom side too long?
Living & Working In a Foreign Land
The foreigner never sees himself/herself as an outsider, but as part of the whole.
The creativity doesn't flow as the raging white water of strong rivers.
No, it's a sitting stagnant creek only muddy and damp.
A true lifeless mundane low.
The eyes always watching my every move
Fill my mind with intimidation.
I suddenly have the desire to better myself.
But other times, when they call me buffoon
Behind my back, all progress wanes.
I forget my placement at times,
Thinking it's safe to be my personal self
With my personal habits.
That's how to become an outcast.
While I sit waiting for the answer,
The answer life moves past.
I feel I do nothing of importance, just bitch to my peers and coworkers;
Not fixing anything, but destroying it.
Crippling my newly formed relationships seems to be my forte
The creativity doesn't flow as the raging white water of strong rivers.
No, it's a sitting stagnant creek only muddy and damp.
A true lifeless mundane low.
The eyes always watching my every move
Fill my mind with intimidation.
I suddenly have the desire to better myself.
But other times, when they call me buffoon
Behind my back, all progress wanes.
I forget my placement at times,
Thinking it's safe to be my personal self
With my personal habits.
That's how to become an outcast.
While I sit waiting for the answer,
The answer life moves past.
I feel I do nothing of importance, just bitch to my peers and coworkers;
Not fixing anything, but destroying it.
Crippling my newly formed relationships seems to be my forte
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